Struggling

We have been in a bad place this month. I haven't had much to blog about because I'm in such a negative, nearly depressed mode. Bode, who truly is kind and loving and gentle, has been so incredibly difficult that I am at my wit's end. His sensory issues seem to be back with avengeance. When i put sunscreen on him or wipe him down with a washcloth he screams out, "Mommy! You're hurting me!" And now not just tactile issues and being overwhelmed by lots of activity around him, but NOISE is bothering him. Auditory issues. Earlier this month I went with my friend Kristen to the play area at Focus on the Family. The first area we were in had an airplane to climb in with buttons to make airplane noises. Birds were chirping over the intercom. Kids playing. And Bode came to me, sat down and said simply, "Mommy, it's noisy in here." I tried to just acknowledge that, yes, it is noisy, but go play and have fun. He couldn't do it. Now the vacuum is too much. As is the garbage disposal. Among other things.

I called his occupational therapist a couple weeks ago. We stopped seeing her in March because he was doing so well and she said we need to start coming in again. She has an auditory program that we can do at home with him and I need to start brushing him more frequently.

Beyond this he's also simply sassy and talking back and throwing fits, more aggressive than usual and ignoring me. He whines and complains literally from sun-up to sundown. And most days I just can't take it. Can't you just be happy? I've tried to engage him more--have plans for the day--i.e. craft time, puzzle time, storytime, run-at-the-park move-time but he just doesn't want to participate in ANYTHING and I'm sick of begging him to let me entertain him. Which in turn makes me angry and I have no doubt he's modeling some of my not-so-appropriate behavior. I actually THREW a plate across the kitchen today into a cabinet I was SO FRUSTRATED. It was a small, plastic IKEA plate but he watched and reacted to it and I instantly wished I could take it back.

Both my boys adore Angela, my friend and their sitter when I'm at work. When we're all together, they actually talk to her more and reach for her instead of me. Part of me is so happy that they are so happy and comfortable with her. She's certainly not the type to raise her voice. I've heard her "yell" and it's equivalent to my regular voice. She's kind, loving, soft-spoken. Not the crazed, yelling, threatening lunatic who my children call mommy. But part of me wonders if he's picking up some behavior at my sitters? She's wonderful with them and he and Zeke are best buds to the end, but Zeke is definitely more destructive and they can basically do anything they want at her house. Bode just follows whatever Zeke does. Let's admit it--tearing things apart can be fun. I'm constantly saying to Bode that we have different rules at our house. Makes me crazy. So I think, do I stop working these two days a week? But another part of me seriously considers going back to work full-time because I just CAN'T DEAL.

I feel like I am not cut out for this motherhood gig. I love my children dearly, but I often wonder if they would be in better hands with someone else. I am not patient. I am quick to anger. I say mean things. I do mean things. I resolve to do better only to blow that resolve in the first 5 minutes of the day.

Some of my friends just say, well, he's 3 and 3 is harder than 2 and it will get better. I don't want to wish away my child's childhood. I just want him to be happy and enjoy life. And I want to be happy and enjoy HIM.