A Message from Soren

Playmobil to the Rescue

My children have too many toys. Too many toys that they don't play with. Looking at them, some they have played with for years (like the train set that Bode's played with since he was 2 years old. So maybe it's understandable if he's not as interested in it at almost 6 years old). There are bristle blocks and regular blocks and Duplo blocks and some Legos. A random bin of "weapons" and hundreds of cars and trucks in the vehicle bin. Various Little People sets. A kitchen and a toolbench. They are not lacking and are, in fact, a bit spoiled, methinks. In a way, some of them are probably a bit young for them now. But, still, it annoys me that they don't play with their toys. So this toy, i bought for ME. They could use something new and fresh. And i need them to be engaged in something for more than 2.2 seconds. So i boxed up the Thomas trains and the dinosaurs (and i'm considering boxing up a couple of other bins) and put them away for now and brought out the Playmobil pirate set. Thanks to Corinne, who has mentioned in blog posts over the years how much her son enjoys Playmobil. I saw the set at Costco and very happily added it to my cart.

I gave it to them yesterday afternoon. It took some assembly (which initially made me say, "Arrrrrgh!" but it wasn't too bad!) but it stays together (unlike Legos where they're always coming to me to fix a piece; etc.). They have played with it nonstop. They woke up this morning and have been playing with it for almost 3 hours already. Yes, they bicker a little. Yes, Bode is uber-bossy about what Keegen can do/where he can shoot the cannon, but that's typical. They love it. Which means, I LOVE IT!

Here are some pics of them with some of the set. And making their meanest pirate faces...

don't mess with these scurvy pirates! Arrrrr!

A Hard Day's Rant

So yesterday really kind of sucked. For the past week, Soren has become more and more alert. Awake. Interested in her surroundings. While this is fun to watch--her development and all--i was selfishly hoping for another week or two of sleepy baby. I don't have to feel guilty when she just wants to sleep and i can focus on the boys a little bit more. Because, the boys? Well, their lives kind of suck right now. Yes, i'm being dramatic, but it's really hard to keep them busy and happy when i'm trying to keep a newborn happy. They've been on fall break for a week and will be on it for another week. Because of my mom's health problems, she didn't come to town last week as originally planned. And they are just kind of told to figure out how to entertain themselves a lot. And while i don't think this is asking too much, it's asking too much to expect them to do so for a long time. They still need some structure.

Yesterday? She was up at 7 and would.not.sleep again. After being up with her most of the night, I had to hold her all day long. Nursed her what felt like nonstop. And i would try to say to myself, "This is your last baby. Enjoy this. Enjoy that you get to hold this little body. Enjoy that she needs you so much." She was only happy in my arms or in the baby wrap on my chest. The one time i put her in her bed hoping she'd stay asleep outside of the wrap, she woke up and cried so hard she actually threw up. And after awhile, the day just unraveled. And i'd had a PLAN for the day. We watched a halloween movie and ate popcorn. We went to the park. I had a make-a-treat plan with the boys. It should have been a great day. But after dealing with Baby Sis's fussing for hours on end? I got frustrated. The boys were bored and bickering. I yelled a lot. At the boys. Said some not-so-nice things. And i hate that. I hate that so often my frustration comes out on the boys. I've forgotten how to stop and take a breath. Or count to five. Or whatever. I just blow up. It's not fair to them.

And when i'm tired and frustrated like this, i can't stand anything. My house is filthy. My yard is a mess. I can't believe i can't simply take a shower. Why am i the only one who covers things in the microwave yet i'm also the only one who cleans out the inside of the microwave? Why can't the boys eat over their plates so i don't have as much crap falling on the floor? Why can't i get one thing done? Why do i have 6 bags in the hall--maternity clothes to return, maternity clothes to box up and give away, clothes Keegen has grown out of that need to go in the Goodwill box, a random bag of recycling, a bag of garbage, the bag of at least 250 new, clean diapers that will be given away since she's allergic to Swaddlers, Huggies, Luvs and Costco brand (and STILL has a raging diaper rash to prove it, even after a week of hypoallergenic 7th Generation brand); etc., etc. Why was the hall their last stop? Why couldn't i have continued into the garage or basement? Piles upon piles of laundry. And you know what? I lowered my expectations a long time ago. I'm not a neat-freak. I know things won't get done for awhile like they used to. But man. It bugged me yesterday when i just wanted to be able to have my hands free for a few minutes. And at 6:30PM? She fell asleep while nursing and i was able to put her in her crib and walk away for the first time that day. She slept till 11PM. I think she wore herself out along with the rest of us.

I'm hoping to have a better day today. We'll keep the TV on a little more (i really really hate leaving the boys in front of the TV, but decided last night i'd rather they watch too much TV right now than have more memories of Psycho Mommy). I'll say yes a little more (you want another candy bar? Suuuuuure). And hopefully i'll be able to remember to take a breath and think before i speak/yell/intervene/throw a tantrum; etc.

Good thing she's cute...
i also realize this is all typical newborn stuff, but a rant is needed every now and then

Update on My Mom

I wrote about my mom having another brain tumor in March here. She's been working with specialists and sub-specialists since then to figure out the best course of treatment. We were getting to the point where we finally saw treatment options opening up. We were hoping for the one-shot gamma knife radiation to zap the tumor. Well, some things have come up...

She has not one but possibly three tumors. And she's leaking cerebral spinal fluid down her nose and throat. This happened to her 20 years ago after her second brain tumor. It kept her in the hospital a month longer than planned while they attempted to locate and fix the leak. She also contracted meningitis due to the leak(having your brain open to germs? not a good thing). It was in the course of following the first tumor's growth (which is attached to her optic nerve, as the previous one was, too) that they discovered the second tumor, the possible third and the CSF leak. The only reason they found the leak was because my mom mentioned she had a "dripping" sensation that reminded her of the CSF leak 20 years ago. She mentioned this last Tuesday. And now the CSF leak is the most urgent problem, the first to be fixed, because of her risk of contracting other illnesses (i.e. meningitis). They won't touch the other tumors until this leak is found, sealed and healed. Can the woman please catch a break???

So, in a nutshell, what we know. The first tumor, on the optic nerve, cannot be removed with gamma knife NOR open brain surgery due to the high probability of damaging the optic nerve to the point of blindness (how they removed it before when it was on the same nerve without causing blindness is beyond me). Instead, she has to have 5-days-a-week-for-6-weeks of radiation therapy. This can only happen after the CSF leak is fixed, which they sound like they're going to have to do via open brain surgery. But, hey, good news, they say...When they're fixing the leak they'll just grab that second pesky tumor at the same time. As for the third tumor, i have no idea. I'm exhausted just typing this. I don't know how she's held up all these months with the uncertainty and anxiety surrounding this--and being told along the way that there are a few bonus problems. I can't stand it when i don't get a call back from my doctor's office over minor issues. She's been in limbo for 7 months.

She goes in this week to see a super-sub-specialist about the CSF leak. Hopefully there can be a plan of attack. She needs that. Then hopefully she'll heal well from that procedure and can move on to the next plan (radiation therapy). And then hopefully she can enjoy good health for awhile?

Problem Solved!

You know i've been trying to decide whether or not to move Bode out of his charter school, right? I've gone back and forth and back and forth on it so many times. I went so far as to fill out the paperwork to move him to the neighborhood school. I sent Doug in to help in Bode's current classroom when he was home last week so he could see what was going on so i didn't feel like i'm the only one making this decision (boy, that was a sentence). On Monday, he was going to stay at the charter school. Yesterday, i decided to move him again (when he came home and told me they watched two movies for school that day). And today?? TODAY?

In Bode's backpack were two letters. One from the principal and one from his teacher. She is resigning. The kids have fall break starting Friday and lasting two weeks. She will not be back after the break.

I seriously felt a physical load lift off of me when i got this news. Angels are practically singing in my head. I am so happy. And i hope that the choice that is made for the new teacher is a good one. But really, i don't think it could be worse.

I am so.very.happy. He's happy there and hopefully there will be a better balance of fun and learning and organization in the classroom starting the second quarter.

Fingers crossed!

Adjustments

It's been fun to watch my boys with their sister. We've been very excited with them throughout this pregnancy about her joining our family. We made it a point, as much as possible, to not blame her for how lousy i felt. While we talked her up, we were also very honest with them about babies. That she won't come out ready to play. That she will most likely cry a lot. And poop a lot. And sleep a lot (heaven willing!). We talked about how they were her big brothers (and Keegen is so excited by the fact that he is now not just the little bro, but a big one, too!) and talked about all the things they could teach her (within reason!). And on and on.

I realize Soren only came home 4 nights ago and that we'll most likely have some ups and downs. But so far, i couldn't have hoped for a better welcome for her from them. They are so cute and excited to have her home. And it's interesting to me to watch them with her. Keegen and Bode have such different personalities. Keegen immediately wanted to hold her and kiss her. He talks to her in this sing-songy voice when she's crying ("Don't cry, Baby So-wen!"). He wants to feed her a bottle (for a few seconds at least and then he moves on). Bode was much more cautious, but it was fun to watch him watch her. He was definitely interested from the start. He asked so many questions about her. I could just sit and watch him processing things. He didn't want to hold her or even touch her initially, but not in a negative way. Just taking his time. He's gone from watching her in her pack n play to commenting on how cute she is to touching her head to kissing her head. He likes her a lot.

The boys have always run loops through the kitchen, dining room and into the family room and repeat cycle. Last night, Doug was holding Soren in the kitchen and as the boys came through, they stopped just long enough to either stroke her head or give her a kiss. So she's already a part of the posse.

The other night, Soren was crying but Bode wanted to hold her. Not only did he hold her, but he started rocking her (all on his own) and she settled right down. I think he was very proud of himself, as he should be!

Soren's Playlist

In addition to all of the prepping and planning and just plain getting ready for Soren (i.e. typing a list of information about the boys and their routines and important phone numbers, continually cleaning because surely tonight's the night and heaven forbid people coming over to help see how we really live, fretting over who would be available to take the boys even though i had a fantastic list of friends willing and waiting, reading my favorite childbirth prep book "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" even though my labor and delivery ended up being nothing like a midwifery delivery; etc., etc.), I made a lovely little playlist that i burned to a CD to listen to while laboring/delivering. Initially, I thought i'd fill it with a lot of my workout songs. You know, keep the energy going/pump you up songs. But i decided to make a broader mix of songs i just liked/haven't tired of yet, some that were high energy and some that were mellow and some that spoke to me as bringing-a-baby-into-the-world songs. I purposely tried not to listen to it much so it would be fresh when i went into labor. But i went a week or two longer in my pregnancy than i'd anticipated, so toward the end, i cheated a bit and listened to it.

My labor went from la-de-da to sha-bam in a very short time. So. We forgot about the music and just worked hard and fast at bringing Soren into the world. Now that we're home, i'm enjoying listening to it.

Here's the list:

1. Chariot by Gavin DeGraw
2. Apron Strings by Everything But the Girl. This is a favorite from my college days and was excited to finally find it on iTunes.
3. I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas. I had a lot of days when i thought i was going into labor. When my typical six or so contractions an hour turned into every 5 minutes and then every 2-5 minutes. I would get excited, start cleaning (or obsessively making sure the diaper bag had a change of unders for Keegs or double-checked the gluten-free-to-go food bag for Bode...) and crank up this song because of the positive, fun energy it has ("I gotta feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night, that tonight's gonna be a good good night...). And then the contractions, while frequent, wouldn't get much stronger than usual and would finally go back to the typical pattern.
4. Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. Just like it. Soothing and mellow.
   
5. This Woman's Work by Kate Bush. Seemed appropriate.
6. Fallin' for You by Colbie Caillat.
   
7. For Once in My Life by Stevie Wonder. Upbeat and positive.
8. Move Along by The All-American Rejects. Keep the labor moving along, you know?
9. Golden Slumbers by Jackson Browne
10. If Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback
    
11. My Life Would Suck Without You by Kelly Clarkson. One of my favorite songs to workout to/blast really loud.
12. I'd Rather Be With You by Joshua Radin
13. Chasing Pavements by Adele
14. Pump It by Black Eyed Peas
15. Feather in the Wind by Mindy Gledhill
16. Viva la Vida by Coldplay
17. Higher Ground by Stevie Wonder
18. Can't Keep It In by Cat Stevens. My idea of labor/pushing humor. "Oh, i can't keep it in. I can't keep it in i gotta let it out. I gotta show the world. World's gotta see. See all the love. Love that's in me."
19. Gone Gone Gone by Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
20. The Wood Song by Indigo Girls
21. Isn't She Lovely by Stevie Wonder.

And she is so very lovely.

Introducing...

Soren Elise Bell

September 28, 2009
7 lb 8 oz.
20 inches

more to come later.