Where I've Been...

So, my lil blog has been a bit on the slow side of late. I haven't had much to say. And here's why...

I'm pregnant with Baby Bell #3! Yes, after this post and this post, we thought, Ah, why not? and decided to try for a third. In all honesty, when i was honest with myself, i knew we'd try for a third. I just wasn't remotely ready to make that commitment until recently (and may very well need to be committed in the future!). And here I am at 12 weeks. And showing like i'm 20.

It's been a nasty, barfy 7 weeks and continues to be so. But all is well.

We told the boys at breakfast today and they were cute. Keegen's response was like, "Well. Ya. This is old news, Mom." since we had a brief conversation a few weeks ago about it (he flat out asked me. I couldn't lie). And Bode was cute. Made some comment about how careful you have to be with babies. Said something about it being a boy. Made some funny faces. He will no doubt be processing this for the next 6+ months. I expect random comments and thoughts to come out of his mouth. We then proceeded to eat chocolate-frosted cupcakes, in case there was any blow to soften from this news.

You can read the following entries that i started back in February if you're interested in the mundane, nitty-gritty of the past few weeks...

Feb 1st
i was suspicious that i was pregnant the last few days of my visit to Missouri. Some typical signs and i was much more emotional/weepy than usual. Although, it was an emotional trip, so that was also an explanation.

I had told Keegen and Bode that Aunt Jaime had "a baby in her tummy." And on the Thursday night we were there, Keegen was talking to Jaime and announced that "mommy has a baby in her tummy, too." Cute and funny and i had to wonder if he knew more than i did.

I took a test in the Walmart bathroom while we were there (because i didn't want to bring any evidence home). It was negative (or i just didn't wait long enough for the results). I emailed Doug that there was "no bebe" this month.

Then we got home. And no period. And still feeling like i might be pregnant. So i took another test. One of those digital ones. They're kind of funny. A little timer/clock shows up in the display screen after you pee on it and blinks until it flashes your answer. Better than a magic 8-ball. So i got a "YES+" in my screen. And i was a little bit surprised since i'd had the negative test. But really happy. Nice to feel happy to find out your pregnant.

So at 5 weeks. I'm suuuuuuuuuper tired. I keep waking up at 3AM to pee and for whatever reason cannot go back to sleep. So i lay there and toss around for awhile and eventually (like by 3:45) get up and do whatever. Pay bills. Work on my secretarial duties for YW. Respond to emails. Blog. Eat Grape Nuts.

Feb 13th (Friday the 13th)
We had our first OB appt today. Doug was so excited since Dr B. had said he'd do a sono to see if we could see a heartbeat. I've been so sick that i wasn't too nervous about this appt. He brought me into the sono room and looked with the abd sono and we saw the fetal sac and boy was it tiny. I thought i could make out a little heartbeat, but it could also be my imagination. For a brief second i thought, Well crap. We're just looking at an empty sac. But Dr B. did a transvag sono so we could get up-close-and-personal and sure enough. A lovely little heart a beating away! So that was beautiful and very reassuring. I still can't believe how tiny it all begins. This large "yolk sac" and this itty-bitty baby. Crazy.

Feb 16th
You know the nausea is bad when you can't even eat half a Peppermint Patty.

Feb 18th
An email i sent my sister with the subject line: "Sex"

--HA! did i get your attention??

so i'm assuming this baby is a girl. so far, all the old wives tales seem to point that way. i'm never going to not be sick (apparently this is ENDLESS) and you had girls with endless nausea and mom claims to have had endless nausea with us but not Drew. and i'm seriously ugly. old wives tale says girls take away your looks.

there you have it. who needs a sono?--

And i'm very honestly of the mindset that i don't care if it's a boy or a girl. Just healthy. Very cliche but true. I'd be thrilled with another boy. I'd be thrilled with a girl. Although, poor thing, i can't manage to fix or spray the boys' hair when it's unruly. What would i do with a little girl's 'do?

This is definitely the most nauseated i've been in pregnancy. And it started really early--5 weeks. I wasn't sick at all with Bode (but had plenty of other problems to make up for that!). I was sick with Keegen until about 16 weeks, but it didn't start until about 7 weeks and i don't remember it being this bad. We look at nausea as the baby really hanging in. So whilst i'm dry heaving, i have no doubt Doug is doing a celebratory dance in the background. Annoying? Yes. Understandable though.

That said, i was also only caring for one other child, who was only 18 months old and still napping. So i knew i had time during the day to rest and recoup/regroup. Not so with two at home and one not napping at all. I find that i can get through a large part of the day pretty well. I'm nauseated but as long as i eat something often i can sort of push through. But by 3PM? I'm done. I'm so sick. Dry heaving or vomiting. I guess it's a blessing that i can make it that long. And i'm not responding well to the Unisom and B6 combo that worked so well when i was pregnant with Keegen. It just doesn't seem to work.

And now i think it's no wonder that i formed all of those kidney stones. I've made a concerted effort to drink at least 80 oz of water a day. I was able to do that until around 6 weeks when the nausea got really bad. Even being very aware and trying to drink, i'm just not getting the volume i need. I'm sure in previous pregnancies, NOT making a big effort to drink a ton, i got very little water in my system, especially in the early stages. I made efforts later on to stay hydrated to avoid contracting, but, whatever.

Feb 19th
So one thing about having miscarried in the past is that you're really just never the same. Never naive to what pregnancy may or may not contain for you. Always a little bit scarred. And maybe a little bit scared. This pregnancy still doesn't feel real. I can't say that i've really bonded. I've thought about the possible names we have but haven't assigned it to this life growing inside me yet. That name, in pregnancies past, haunted me for a long long time. It had been assigned. And it had been lost.

I woke up today feeling so much better than i have in the past few weeks. Got up and actually made breakfast for the boys. Managed to eat a little of it myself. I've felt mild nausea throughout the day, but again, so much better. This should be cause for celebration. But instead, i'm imagining the worst. That i'm once again miscarrying. That slowly this life is leaving and thus my nausea is subsiding too. I'm also trying to imagine myself being OK with this scenario. Sigh. Such an optimist.

And another thing. A kind of creepy coincidence. My due date for this baby is the exact due date of the pregnancy i lost 6 years ago. I lost that baby around Valentine's Day. I'm not sure what to do with that coincidence other than say "hmmmm." Is that little soul trying to come back to us?

Feb 20th
I had a sono today to make sure i was still viably pregnant. It just seemed too good to be true that i was feeling so not nauseous. Doug was more nervous than me and didn't want to go through the weekend wondering. All is well. Little heartbeat still a-pumpin'.

The thing is, had i waited about 5 hours, i wouldn't have needed a sono as i was once again poised over the garbage can puking my guts out. Not much in there to puke out these days.

Oh. And to add to the loveliness of that visual. Visualize this. I'm in the bathroom sitting on the toilet while wretching into said garbage can a little bit later when the doorbell rings. I hear Bode throw the door open and tell whomever it is, "My mom's SICK! She's throwing up!" And i then hear a female voice IN MY HOUSE. What the hell?! That's her idea of an invitation inside? I realize it's my 13 year old neighbor M. who has Girl Scout cookies for me. I yell from the bathroom to her, "M!!!! I'M SO SICK! I'll come by later to pay you!" And she leaves.

Hmmm. Maybe Thin Mints are the answer?

Feb 24th
Unisom/B6 combo doesn't help. Reglan doesn't help. Now i'm trying Zofran. Please let it help. Although, my insurance will only give me a whopping 24 tablets every 30 days. The way they'll dispense it only gives me a 12 day supply. We'll see how it goes.

Being sick like this is new to me in pregnancy. This has been the most normal (in all its 8+ weeks) pregnancy i've ever experienced. No bleeding yet. No real scares. Just feeling downright awful. While i'm grateful, it's really really wearing. The house is suffering. The kids are suffering. I'm not eating and i'm definitely dehydrated. I've had moments of regret. Is that horrible to admit? I know this too shall pass and it will be worth it in the end, but seeing no light at the end of the tunnel right now is a challenge.

Mar 12th
i haven't had much to say the past couple weeks. still dealing with the nausea, watching my house fall apart and feeling badly that my children are neglected! on the bright side, the boys have really dealt well with things and play so much better together than they used to. i was laying in bode's bed the other day, nearly passing out (i took progesterone that day at 11am because i'd forgotten to take it the night before. it makes me dizzy, nauseous and extremely tired). so i'm in and out, listening to them play together in the playroom, for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. unbelievable. never would have happened before. i thought, man, i need to disappear more often.

we went today for another check-up. i've lost 12 pounds, which is the main concern of late. we saw the baby on sono and it was the first time in the past 5 1/2 weeks (i'm 10 1/2 weeks) that i felt like, OH! OK! This is actually a baby and i can kind of get excited about it! No more sea monkey looking thing. No more tail. This thing has legs and arms and knows how to use them! Crazy kicking, punching and squirming going on. It was fantastic. And my OB honed in on the heart and turned on the volume on the sono machine. It was fun to hear that little rapid heartbeat.

I'm off the progesterone which seems to be making the nausea a little bit less. Not a huge change, but enough to drink more water and eat a little and keep it down. Now i just worry that without the progesterone, i'll miscarry. Worry worry worry. Why am i wired that way? i'm so sick though that deep down i feel like things will be just fine.

Mar 13th
Keegen and i had a little date at Whole Foods while Bode was in school this morning. We sat in their cafe. He ate a fruit strip while i picked at a little pasta salad. There was a little stand-up card advertisement sitting on the table that showed a very pregnant mama belly and a little girl hugging it. Keegen asked about it so i explained that the belly has a baby growing in it and the girl is hugging it. He asked, "When will the baby come out?" (when it's ready) "Can she hug her baby when it comes out?" And then he asked, "Is there a baby in your belly?" This is the child who told my sister-in-law when we were in Missouri that there was a baby in my belly, before i even knew. I felt bad lying to him, so i just said, "Yes, but not one that big." He kind of looked at me and said, "Can i open it and look to see if it's ready?" (like a birthday present, you know?).