Are You Tired of Reading About this Topic from Me?/Stupor of Thought

So let's see if this post of rambling and random thoughts ever comes together to make a point. Or sense.

I've realized that at 33, my metabolism isn't what it used to be. I gained 10 pounds this summer. Just because. I didn't change any of my (bad) habits. I've still been on the eatwhatiwantwheneveriwantanddon'texercise routine. And i suppose my mom was right. I will eventually get fat. Her prediction was at age 16. So making it to 33 is quite the feat. (And i'm not claiming to be fat. Just unhealthy). i don't take care of myself. i used to love going to the gym. Love running. Love spinning. Rollerblading. Anything active. But in the past 5 years, i've let it go (i lost that lovin' feeling, i guess). i haven't felt good for a long time and i've been very much aware of that fact. But it hasn't been enough to motivate me.

So here's a tidbit most of you probably didn't know. Doug and i were very seriously considering adding to our brood. I know. I said i was DONE. Satisfied i believe was the word i used. I had what i could handle. i didn't feel my mental health could deal with a third. But there we were, talking baby. I got myself in order as best i could. Did all the doctor check-ups, dental trips. Had my kidney stone blasted. Started prentatal vitamins. Talked to my OB about our plan of attack to hopefully avoid the woe that is preterm labor.

I've felt very conflicted about having another baby. To list just a few thoughts, the journey of pregnancy hasn't been a joy for me. There's all the worry with the pregnancy. Will it stick or will i miscarry? Could i open myself up to that possibility again? The bedrest. The anxiety, worry and fear. How will my children fair? The lack of patience that i already have toward my children even when i'm feeling well. i am a wretched woman when i don't sleep. i had problems with postpartum depression with both babies. At best, i struggle. We feel extremely lucky and blessed to have two healthy children. And could i really ask for more?

So i'd be hot then cold on the idea of having another. And then i just felt like, yes, this is what i want to do. And i was kind of excited. And now i've gone back to feeling conflicted.

Unbeknownst to me, Doug decided to fast and pray about it the other day. When he told me this, i figured he'd either get an "either decision is fine" answer or a definite feeling that we should. (And yes, i've prayed about it but no "clear" answer). Because having more children is a good thing, right? He felt that we shouldn't have more. At least for now. I was surprised. Not blown away. Just surprised.

At least for now, it's decided. I still sit here and think, you know, in 20 years, i will have wanted to have had another. Another little person, personality, energy to be around. To come home for the holidays. But for the present? It just doesn't feel right. Maybe things will change in the future and we'll feel ready and capable. i've also realized how very much of my own energy that i've spent turning things over and over and over in my mind. Trying to convince myself? Feeling like, because i believe it's "the right thing to do," that there's something wrong with not? ("Mothers who know desire to bear children..."). And i think about how i've stopped taking care of myself like i should and realize that part of that mentality has been the feeling that, why get in shape if it's all going to go to pot again with another pregnancy (i know. Faulty reasoning. i should get into GREAT shape before attempting another pregnancy. But this is my blog so i'll just be stating my thoughts, as flawed as they may be). Oh. And how did i start going on and on about this in this post in the first place? The weight gain. I gained the 10 pounds and sort of shrugged it off because of our plans to get pregnant. I was underweight before i got pregnant with Keegen and was told i needed to gain 15 pounds before getting pregnant. So when i gained those 10 pounds i thought, great, add it to the pregnancy plan.

So now that this is where we're at, i've noticed some changes in my thought processes and plans and attitude. i almost immediately started back at the gym. i've been waking up around 5AM since the time change (guess i needed to worry about ME and not the boys getting up too early!) and now M-W-F i'm at our neighborhood gym when it opens at 6:30 and home by 7:30 so Doug can go to work. i'm making more of a conscious effort to spend more quality time with the boys and Keegen specifically. We feel like he doesn't get great one-on-one time. Is it just the fate of the second child? Or is it the very concentrated time we spend working with Bode? Regardless, it needed to change. i'm trying to make more positive changes at home--less TV, less internet (me), more home-cooked meals, working on getting the house into some semblance of order, getting back on track with consistently doing Bode's programs again (kind of slacked off after our Dallas trip). Etc. etc. etc.

For whatever reason, this decision has given me some freedom and lightened my "mental load" (for lack of a better descriptive). i somehow have more energy and feel a whole lot less bogged down. And for now i'll go with it. And we'll see what the future brings.