A Full 360

This is a very "stream of consciousness" post and may very well never have a point in the end...

The Olympics are starting soon. I ♥ the Olympics. And we have very awesome HD cable for the first time ever so we plan to watch all sorts of it (like curling at 4AM since i'll be up with Soren anyway). My post title made me think of all the crazy rotations the snowboarders do. Love that snowboarding is an Olympic sport. The last winter Olympics? 2006. We'd just moved to Colorado. We were living in a 2-bedroom apartment just Doug, me and Bode. Keegs was in utero. It's really hard to believe we've been here for 4 years.

I've had a hard time here in these 4 years. I arrived with a positive attitude and a desire to make friends and be sociable and enjoy the fresh start. Then the winters got long. And the wind blew hard. And the wonderful friends i made nearly ALL moved away about 18 months after we arrived. Slowly i was left behind. i was tired. Making a social effort really wears me out. And i didn't feel like doing it again. I worked. I did my calling at church. And i kind of kept to myself. And i ached for a change. I was ready to move. The Army brat was used to moving often. Wanderlust.

Then we talked about having another baby. And talked a little more. And decided "yes." And i decided i need to be happy in the present. Where i am now. And i got pregnant. And started getting happy. And then Doug's work started talking about moving us back East. And i had a moment of panic thinking we'd move while i was pregnant (again). And i settled into my pregnancy. The work reorg has been painfully slow. Lots of stress for Doug. I've managed to not worry much about it. For months and months we assumed we'd be moving right after the baby arrived. We started working on our "things to fix on the house before we sell it" list. Our boundaries were changed and we were put in a new ward (congregation). While i liked our previous ward just fine, this new ward was a good change. Kind of satisfied that "ache for a change" i mentioned. I made new friends. The boys made new friends. Lots of friends with boys the same ages as my boys. Lots of dual playdates. Summer came. Then school started. More friends made. Once things were tweaked a bit, Bode and I were/are really happy with the school. The baby arrived.

In all of this, the understanding was, we're moving to DC sometime. My first moment of panic was over the prospect of being very pregnant during another move. Doug negotiated that that wouldn't happen. But then the realization that i didn't want to move was in my mind. And i didn't really share it. But i was aware of the feeling and the thoughts. It took almost 3 years, but i like living here. I was having another baby. I was rebuilding my "village." I felt like, wherever we are, I will be doing pretty much the same thing: taking kids to and from school and church and other activities. Homework. Dinner. Playdates. Taking care of my family, my home. Why not do it here where we can afford it? Where it's pretty family-friendly? My gosh! Am i ready to put down some roots?!

Work has been a major grind for Doug for the past 9 or so months. He works all day and then comes home, helps get the boys to bed, fires up his laptop and works from 8 till 11pm. And gets up and does it again. Seven days a week. It's really wearing him out. We are happy to be gainfully employed, but it's getting to be too much. A few weeks ago, we actually sat down and talked. Can you imagine? After months of grunting at each other as we pass in the hall, we had an honest to goodness conversation. It started with an offhand comment on my part about going to DC since that's really our only option (going where the job is) and he responded with something to the effect of there being other jobs out there. Which made me say HOLD ON! YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT THIS TOO?? I told him i could see that he's not happy with his job. I told him i'd been thinking about the DC prospect. I told him that our reasons for leaving the DC area 4 years ago are still valid and nothing has changed in DC so why are we planning on going back?

Do you know that we actually considered moving to Salt Lake? If that doesn't tell you that things are dire here, nothing else will!

I don't want to move. I want to stay here. I like my house. My friends. My kids' schools. Our church building will be half a mile from our house starting in April. I can see us being here and being happy for a long time. Even with the long winters. And the wind. And the people coming and going from our lives. I can see that as a positive thing now.

I want to stay.

But i think in the end? We will have to go where the job is.