Take the Long Way Home

I have had many things i've wanted to blog about, but no desire to actually sit down and write. So i'm expecting this to be a long, rambly, stream-of-consciousness kind of post...

With one exception, I've always worked since having my children, but minimally. Daycare was not something we wanted for our kids and i wanted to be home with my children. But even before we got married, Doug and i talked and i told him i'd probably always want to work a little. So I would work a weekend or two a month or an occasional evening when Doug would take care of Bode. It was always good for me and good for Doug. A little time away helped me appreciate them more and Doug appreciated me when he had to be in my shoes two days in a row. Last February, after taking the year off with our move and new baby, i decided to work two days during the week for the first time since having kids. I wanted to keep my hands in my work and keep my skills current. And I started working because, honestly, i felt the need to "get out." I wasn't being a great mom--i wasn't happy to be home and saw those two days as a way to have a better balance.

After working like this for 9 months, I decided around Thanksgiving time that i needed to make a change in my work schedule. Somehow working part-time/two days a week was taking a much bigger chunk out of my weekdays. In the sense that i can only describe as distraction. I've been feeling like i've let too many things go at home. Not just housework. i felt like the boys needed me home. To those moms who work part-time or full-time i realize you can do it and do it well. But I began feeling like i wasn't doing it well. I can't seem to describe it accurately. But, bottom-line, working worked well for me for about 6 months and then i looked around and saw that my family life wasn't functioning like it should be.

I talked to my manager about making a switch to PRN, meaning i'd have more flexibility but still intending to work 1 or 2 days a week. It took the hospital about a month to fill my position and another month to train and as of March 1st i've been a PRN nurse and back to a full-time mom (well, i was always a full-time mom, but anyway!). At the time that i talked to my boss about changing my status, i really wasn't sure it was what i wanted to do. But i felt this gnawing, this need to make the change. I still liked going to work, it was good for my mental health, i liked the extra money i brought in. But on top of that "need to change," i felt like my life was a little too complicated and chaotic. So i made the change feeling ambivalent.

In the time it took to hire another nurse and train her, my sitter informed me she was moving. As Doug and i talked about our childcare situation, we both knew we'd never be able to replace Angela. She was a large part of what made my going back to work possible. I knew my kids were in a home that they loved. Where they were loved. Where they were happy. Doug commented that if we couldn't find another situation like Angela's, he didn't feel like i should work as much. And i completely agreed.

So instead of going PRN and still working 1-2 days a week, i am now PRN and working 2-3 days per month. It's been an interesting year in the sense of trying to balance things--getting kids to and from sitter's, finding backup sitter's at the last minute to cover for sickness, organizing, reorganizing, dealing with annoying hassles. An interesting experiment that taught me that i need to be home more to more consistenly guide and teach my children. I know that i'm lucky to be able to choose whether or not i want to work and how often, if at all.

Funny to me that 5 or so years ago, when i was desperate to have children and stay home with them, i told a co-worker in passing that i was ready to "be a kept woman." Totally tongue in cheek, but i had been working hard, full-time or more, for 7 years. Then three years after starting my family i was desperate for a change, a break, in order to appreciate them more and appreciate the opportunity i have to stay at home with them.

These past two or so weeks of being home 24/7 have honestly been positive. Challenging as always, but positive overall (to include serious attitudes from all sides and one impressively ruptured and oozy eardrum). I've been able to observe some of Bode's behavior that has me so concerned and be more consistent with our routines and schedules and rules that sort of got lost in the shuffle of my workdays. I've been busier than EVER. And i don't think that's an exaggeration. My calendar is full of doctors appointments, playdates, church responsibilities. (Church is a whole other topic that kind of got pushed to the side with the weekend call i've had to take and the evenings at work making participation in a lot of it slide).

I'm back to paying closer attention to my home and family and trying to make positive changes. One thing i'm hopeful about is Bode's health. I took a nap with him a couple weeks ago and was alarmed by his loud snoring and gaps in breathing. Definitely sleep apnea. I took him to his pediatrician and we are now waiting to see an ENT to see if his tonsils and adenoids need to come out. It explains a lot, his sudden behavioral downhill slide after he'd been doing so well. He's definitely not getting quality sleep and i'm hopeful that removing his tonsils will make a difference and get him back on track. I'm happy to be home again and be a resource to others--taking my neighbor's kids so she can make a doctor's appointment, getting into a new visiting teaching route for church. Happy to be working on my food storage again and getting to know some great women with the same interests who are helping me.

In general, it feels good to simply be "getting my house in order." All-encompassing. Not just dinner on the table, laundry done and house vacuumed (which we all know will NEVER happen all in the same day in my home!). But children cared for and taught, neighbors looked after when in need, family prayer and home evenings a priority. In my desire to expand or "grow" my village, i've realized i need to be available to be a fuller part of that village for those around me as well.

I still yell like a mad woman. I'm impatient and constantly worn out by my children. Those are some of my many flaws. But i'm hoping now that i've stepped out and tried to find my balance by working more and recognize it doesn't work for me, i can now throw myself more fully into this thing called stay-at-home-mommyhood. Because it isn't going to last long and i really want to do it well and enjoy it while i'm in it.