Satisfied

I sat in the basement today finally organizing and putting away the mountains of clothes I keep down there--baby clothes, maternity clothes, nursing tops, postpartum pants...

I'm fairly certain I am done having children. When I had the problems I did with Bode's pregnancy (for the uninitiated: bleeding the entire first trimester, being told to get a D&C at 7 1/2 weeks for a "non-viable pregnancy" because of the bleeding and poor increase in BhCG levels, preterm labor at 18 weeks, hospitalization at 20 weeks for a week of magnesium sulfate, cerclage at 21 weeks, oral terbutaline and procardia at home to keep the contractions to a minimum, bedrest for a total of 4 months, cerclage removal at 35 weeks with subsequent heinous 35 week forceps delivery) I told Doug, "I'll try for one more and we'll see how that one goes" meaning, we were most likely only having two children.

In comparison, Keegen's pregnancy was more manageable, except how hard it was to have a 2-year old at the same time. I did think I'd miscarried at 6 weeks--crying all the drive home from the beach as I bled and then continued to bleed for 18 weeks. I was given weekly injections of a certain progesterone starting at 16 weeks due to my preterm labor history. I give a lot of credit to those injections for getting me as far as i did. When I started contracting regularly at 28 weeks, I was put on bedrest and given terbutaline again. I probably should have been magged at 32-ish weeks but kept getting off the monitor "to pee" when I knew I was starting into another contraction (so the monitor didn't trace it and i just barely passed and was allowed to go home. Probably not the smartest, but I knew myself well enough to know I didn't need mag--so she says now that everything turned out OK!). And Keegen's delivery at 37 weeks was fantastic.

During Keegen's first few months I thought I would have one more. It's a shame to NOT use the name I've been hanging onto for a girl, that I would now use for either sex (which will not be revealed). That's NOT to say I feel any great need to have a girl. But now, a year or so later, I'm as certain as I can be that I will not be having another child. I'm satisfied. I don't really feel that anyone is "missing."

I'm very happy with my two boys. Even as I gripe about things, I love them dearly. I am very grateful to have two healthy children. I cannot fathom being pregnant again, the worry and well, terror really, of it all for me. I'm so blessed that both my children came out as healthy as they are. A girlfriend of mine, an L&D nurse, calls Bode a "medical miracle" and has stated that medically, "he shouldn't be here." I wonder if I should tempt fate by having another. And honestly, I don't think I can handle more than what I've got. I know my limitations. I wish I felt that I could handle just one more. But I don't think I can.

So, those mountains of clothes sit in bins in my basement. It's ridiculous how many maternity clothes I have. I never even got to wear most of them because, well, where was I going when I was on bedrest?? I have loads of boy clothes, too, of course. Nursing paraphernalia. Toys, slings, bouncy seats, car seats, strollers, exersaucer, jumperoo. Man, i could make some serious cash on Craigslist or Ebay. But for some reason, I'm not ready to sell these things. Why do i need to hang on? My oh-so-done sister tells me maybe I'm not really sure I'm done. I think I'm just not ready to let it all go because that would be this physical, outward gesture that I am totally and completely done. And while I know that, it does make me just a little bit sad.