A Hard Day's Rant

So yesterday really kind of sucked. For the past week, Soren has become more and more alert. Awake. Interested in her surroundings. While this is fun to watch--her development and all--i was selfishly hoping for another week or two of sleepy baby. I don't have to feel guilty when she just wants to sleep and i can focus on the boys a little bit more. Because, the boys? Well, their lives kind of suck right now. Yes, i'm being dramatic, but it's really hard to keep them busy and happy when i'm trying to keep a newborn happy. They've been on fall break for a week and will be on it for another week. Because of my mom's health problems, she didn't come to town last week as originally planned. And they are just kind of told to figure out how to entertain themselves a lot. And while i don't think this is asking too much, it's asking too much to expect them to do so for a long time. They still need some structure.

Yesterday? She was up at 7 and would.not.sleep again. After being up with her most of the night, I had to hold her all day long. Nursed her what felt like nonstop. And i would try to say to myself, "This is your last baby. Enjoy this. Enjoy that you get to hold this little body. Enjoy that she needs you so much." She was only happy in my arms or in the baby wrap on my chest. The one time i put her in her bed hoping she'd stay asleep outside of the wrap, she woke up and cried so hard she actually threw up. And after awhile, the day just unraveled. And i'd had a PLAN for the day. We watched a halloween movie and ate popcorn. We went to the park. I had a make-a-treat plan with the boys. It should have been a great day. But after dealing with Baby Sis's fussing for hours on end? I got frustrated. The boys were bored and bickering. I yelled a lot. At the boys. Said some not-so-nice things. And i hate that. I hate that so often my frustration comes out on the boys. I've forgotten how to stop and take a breath. Or count to five. Or whatever. I just blow up. It's not fair to them.

And when i'm tired and frustrated like this, i can't stand anything. My house is filthy. My yard is a mess. I can't believe i can't simply take a shower. Why am i the only one who covers things in the microwave yet i'm also the only one who cleans out the inside of the microwave? Why can't the boys eat over their plates so i don't have as much crap falling on the floor? Why can't i get one thing done? Why do i have 6 bags in the hall--maternity clothes to return, maternity clothes to box up and give away, clothes Keegen has grown out of that need to go in the Goodwill box, a random bag of recycling, a bag of garbage, the bag of at least 250 new, clean diapers that will be given away since she's allergic to Swaddlers, Huggies, Luvs and Costco brand (and STILL has a raging diaper rash to prove it, even after a week of hypoallergenic 7th Generation brand); etc., etc. Why was the hall their last stop? Why couldn't i have continued into the garage or basement? Piles upon piles of laundry. And you know what? I lowered my expectations a long time ago. I'm not a neat-freak. I know things won't get done for awhile like they used to. But man. It bugged me yesterday when i just wanted to be able to have my hands free for a few minutes. And at 6:30PM? She fell asleep while nursing and i was able to put her in her crib and walk away for the first time that day. She slept till 11PM. I think she wore herself out along with the rest of us.

I'm hoping to have a better day today. We'll keep the TV on a little more (i really really hate leaving the boys in front of the TV, but decided last night i'd rather they watch too much TV right now than have more memories of Psycho Mommy). I'll say yes a little more (you want another candy bar? Suuuuuure). And hopefully i'll be able to remember to take a breath and think before i speak/yell/intervene/throw a tantrum; etc.

Good thing she's cute...
i also realize this is all typical newborn stuff, but a rant is needed every now and then