Where I've Been...

So, my lil blog has been a bit on the slow side of late. I haven't had much to say. And here's why...

I'm pregnant with Baby Bell #3! Yes, after this post and this post, we thought, Ah, why not? and decided to try for a third. In all honesty, when i was honest with myself, i knew we'd try for a third. I just wasn't remotely ready to make that commitment until recently (and may very well need to be committed in the future!). And here I am at 12 weeks. And showing like i'm 20.

It's been a nasty, barfy 7 weeks and continues to be so. But all is well.

We told the boys at breakfast today and they were cute. Keegen's response was like, "Well. Ya. This is old news, Mom." since we had a brief conversation a few weeks ago about it (he flat out asked me. I couldn't lie). And Bode was cute. Made some comment about how careful you have to be with babies. Said something about it being a boy. Made some funny faces. He will no doubt be processing this for the next 6+ months. I expect random comments and thoughts to come out of his mouth. We then proceeded to eat chocolate-frosted cupcakes, in case there was any blow to soften from this news.

You can read the following entries that i started back in February if you're interested in the mundane, nitty-gritty of the past few weeks...

Feb 1st
i was suspicious that i was pregnant the last few days of my visit to Missouri. Some typical signs and i was much more emotional/weepy than usual. Although, it was an emotional trip, so that was also an explanation.

I had told Keegen and Bode that Aunt Jaime had "a baby in her tummy." And on the Thursday night we were there, Keegen was talking to Jaime and announced that "mommy has a baby in her tummy, too." Cute and funny and i had to wonder if he knew more than i did.

I took a test in the Walmart bathroom while we were there (because i didn't want to bring any evidence home). It was negative (or i just didn't wait long enough for the results). I emailed Doug that there was "no bebe" this month.

Then we got home. And no period. And still feeling like i might be pregnant. So i took another test. One of those digital ones. They're kind of funny. A little timer/clock shows up in the display screen after you pee on it and blinks until it flashes your answer. Better than a magic 8-ball. So i got a "YES+" in my screen. And i was a little bit surprised since i'd had the negative test. But really happy. Nice to feel happy to find out your pregnant.

So at 5 weeks. I'm suuuuuuuuuper tired. I keep waking up at 3AM to pee and for whatever reason cannot go back to sleep. So i lay there and toss around for awhile and eventually (like by 3:45) get up and do whatever. Pay bills. Work on my secretarial duties for YW. Respond to emails. Blog. Eat Grape Nuts.

Feb 13th (Friday the 13th)
We had our first OB appt today. Doug was so excited since Dr B. had said he'd do a sono to see if we could see a heartbeat. I've been so sick that i wasn't too nervous about this appt. He brought me into the sono room and looked with the abd sono and we saw the fetal sac and boy was it tiny. I thought i could make out a little heartbeat, but it could also be my imagination. For a brief second i thought, Well crap. We're just looking at an empty sac. But Dr B. did a transvag sono so we could get up-close-and-personal and sure enough. A lovely little heart a beating away! So that was beautiful and very reassuring. I still can't believe how tiny it all begins. This large "yolk sac" and this itty-bitty baby. Crazy.

Feb 16th
You know the nausea is bad when you can't even eat half a Peppermint Patty.

Feb 18th
An email i sent my sister with the subject line: "Sex"

--HA! did i get your attention??

so i'm assuming this baby is a girl. so far, all the old wives tales seem to point that way. i'm never going to not be sick (apparently this is ENDLESS) and you had girls with endless nausea and mom claims to have had endless nausea with us but not Drew. and i'm seriously ugly. old wives tale says girls take away your looks.

there you have it. who needs a sono?--

And i'm very honestly of the mindset that i don't care if it's a boy or a girl. Just healthy. Very cliche but true. I'd be thrilled with another boy. I'd be thrilled with a girl. Although, poor thing, i can't manage to fix or spray the boys' hair when it's unruly. What would i do with a little girl's 'do?

This is definitely the most nauseated i've been in pregnancy. And it started really early--5 weeks. I wasn't sick at all with Bode (but had plenty of other problems to make up for that!). I was sick with Keegen until about 16 weeks, but it didn't start until about 7 weeks and i don't remember it being this bad. We look at nausea as the baby really hanging in. So whilst i'm dry heaving, i have no doubt Doug is doing a celebratory dance in the background. Annoying? Yes. Understandable though.

That said, i was also only caring for one other child, who was only 18 months old and still napping. So i knew i had time during the day to rest and recoup/regroup. Not so with two at home and one not napping at all. I find that i can get through a large part of the day pretty well. I'm nauseated but as long as i eat something often i can sort of push through. But by 3PM? I'm done. I'm so sick. Dry heaving or vomiting. I guess it's a blessing that i can make it that long. And i'm not responding well to the Unisom and B6 combo that worked so well when i was pregnant with Keegen. It just doesn't seem to work.

And now i think it's no wonder that i formed all of those kidney stones. I've made a concerted effort to drink at least 80 oz of water a day. I was able to do that until around 6 weeks when the nausea got really bad. Even being very aware and trying to drink, i'm just not getting the volume i need. I'm sure in previous pregnancies, NOT making a big effort to drink a ton, i got very little water in my system, especially in the early stages. I made efforts later on to stay hydrated to avoid contracting, but, whatever.

Feb 19th
So one thing about having miscarried in the past is that you're really just never the same. Never naive to what pregnancy may or may not contain for you. Always a little bit scarred. And maybe a little bit scared. This pregnancy still doesn't feel real. I can't say that i've really bonded. I've thought about the possible names we have but haven't assigned it to this life growing inside me yet. That name, in pregnancies past, haunted me for a long long time. It had been assigned. And it had been lost.

I woke up today feeling so much better than i have in the past few weeks. Got up and actually made breakfast for the boys. Managed to eat a little of it myself. I've felt mild nausea throughout the day, but again, so much better. This should be cause for celebration. But instead, i'm imagining the worst. That i'm once again miscarrying. That slowly this life is leaving and thus my nausea is subsiding too. I'm also trying to imagine myself being OK with this scenario. Sigh. Such an optimist.

And another thing. A kind of creepy coincidence. My due date for this baby is the exact due date of the pregnancy i lost 6 years ago. I lost that baby around Valentine's Day. I'm not sure what to do with that coincidence other than say "hmmmm." Is that little soul trying to come back to us?

Feb 20th
I had a sono today to make sure i was still viably pregnant. It just seemed too good to be true that i was feeling so not nauseous. Doug was more nervous than me and didn't want to go through the weekend wondering. All is well. Little heartbeat still a-pumpin'.

The thing is, had i waited about 5 hours, i wouldn't have needed a sono as i was once again poised over the garbage can puking my guts out. Not much in there to puke out these days.

Oh. And to add to the loveliness of that visual. Visualize this. I'm in the bathroom sitting on the toilet while wretching into said garbage can a little bit later when the doorbell rings. I hear Bode throw the door open and tell whomever it is, "My mom's SICK! She's throwing up!" And i then hear a female voice IN MY HOUSE. What the hell?! That's her idea of an invitation inside? I realize it's my 13 year old neighbor M. who has Girl Scout cookies for me. I yell from the bathroom to her, "M!!!! I'M SO SICK! I'll come by later to pay you!" And she leaves.

Hmmm. Maybe Thin Mints are the answer?

Feb 24th
Unisom/B6 combo doesn't help. Reglan doesn't help. Now i'm trying Zofran. Please let it help. Although, my insurance will only give me a whopping 24 tablets every 30 days. The way they'll dispense it only gives me a 12 day supply. We'll see how it goes.

Being sick like this is new to me in pregnancy. This has been the most normal (in all its 8+ weeks) pregnancy i've ever experienced. No bleeding yet. No real scares. Just feeling downright awful. While i'm grateful, it's really really wearing. The house is suffering. The kids are suffering. I'm not eating and i'm definitely dehydrated. I've had moments of regret. Is that horrible to admit? I know this too shall pass and it will be worth it in the end, but seeing no light at the end of the tunnel right now is a challenge.

Mar 12th
i haven't had much to say the past couple weeks. still dealing with the nausea, watching my house fall apart and feeling badly that my children are neglected! on the bright side, the boys have really dealt well with things and play so much better together than they used to. i was laying in bode's bed the other day, nearly passing out (i took progesterone that day at 11am because i'd forgotten to take it the night before. it makes me dizzy, nauseous and extremely tired). so i'm in and out, listening to them play together in the playroom, for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. unbelievable. never would have happened before. i thought, man, i need to disappear more often.

we went today for another check-up. i've lost 12 pounds, which is the main concern of late. we saw the baby on sono and it was the first time in the past 5 1/2 weeks (i'm 10 1/2 weeks) that i felt like, OH! OK! This is actually a baby and i can kind of get excited about it! No more sea monkey looking thing. No more tail. This thing has legs and arms and knows how to use them! Crazy kicking, punching and squirming going on. It was fantastic. And my OB honed in on the heart and turned on the volume on the sono machine. It was fun to hear that little rapid heartbeat.

I'm off the progesterone which seems to be making the nausea a little bit less. Not a huge change, but enough to drink more water and eat a little and keep it down. Now i just worry that without the progesterone, i'll miscarry. Worry worry worry. Why am i wired that way? i'm so sick though that deep down i feel like things will be just fine.

Mar 13th
Keegen and i had a little date at Whole Foods while Bode was in school this morning. We sat in their cafe. He ate a fruit strip while i picked at a little pasta salad. There was a little stand-up card advertisement sitting on the table that showed a very pregnant mama belly and a little girl hugging it. Keegen asked about it so i explained that the belly has a baby growing in it and the girl is hugging it. He asked, "When will the baby come out?" (when it's ready) "Can she hug her baby when it comes out?" And then he asked, "Is there a baby in your belly?" This is the child who told my sister-in-law when we were in Missouri that there was a baby in my belly, before i even knew. I felt bad lying to him, so i just said, "Yes, but not one that big." He kind of looked at me and said, "Can i open it and look to see if it's ready?" (like a birthday present, you know?).

Thomas Live

As a birthday gift to all of us this year, Doug's parents got us tickets to see Thomas the Tank Engine Live on Stage (something about Thomas and a circus). The boys were super-excited--there were lots of commercials on TV about this to remind them. It was here which was nice to not have to drive to Denver.


We packed lots of snacks and treats and found our so-very-awesome seats. I think we were in the third row. It was super-cheesy and the boys loved it. Oh, their eyes when they saw the trains! They both got totally sucked in. It was more fun for me to watch them watch the show than to actually watch the show.

We got a little lunch and some ice cream and then a much needed nap (well, Keegen and Doug got naps. I puttered around and Bode played Hot Wheels). A nice way to spend a Saturday.

Recurrence

I spent a great day-and-a-half in Denver this weekend at Time Out for Women, a women's conference of sorts put on by Deseret Book (one of the main bookstores for my church). It was a great weekend of inspiring talks and music and a much needed getaway and "refilling of my cup." This was going to be my post about the great times with friends, hanging out with Jenni, and the uplifting events of the weekend.

In the midst of this conference, i saw a message on my silenced cellphone from my mom. i listened to what was a very cryptic message. Something was wrong. But was it wrong in the sense of, "The bathrooms that i'm having remodeled won't be finished when you get here for your April visit" or "Someone has cancer"?? I actually ended up calling Doug since she said she'd call my house when she didn't get a hold of me. Checked up on the boys and asked if my mom had called. He said she had and when i asked what was up he responded, "You should call her." I made him tell me.

My mom had her first round with a non-malignant but very aggressive brain tumor in early 1984. I was 8. She'd just given birth to my much younger brother and finally made someone take her complaints of severe headaches seriously. What they found was a grapefruit-sized tumor in her brain that they figured had been growing at least 10 years. I remember feeling scared. I remember visiting her at Fitzsimmons Army Hospital in Denver after her surgery. These were still the days of the hospital "ward." I remember the elevator ride up to her floor. I remember walking through this women's ward lined with sick and post-surgical women on both sides. There wasn't a specific "neuro" ward or "gyn" ward. Everyone was just thrown together with only curtains for privacy. Somehow my mom was lucky enough to have a semi-private room in that ward. It wasn't traumatic seeing her. Her head was bandaged like a turban. My dad made jokes. She put on a happy face.

Five years later, she had a recurrence. We were living in Virginia. She was weary of military life and wanted to have her surgery at Johns Hopkins and NOT Walter Reed, where the neurosurgeon there didn't give her great confidence. My dad sacrificed and retired from the Army life he loved and thrived in. This tumor, while smaller, had wrapped itself around her optic nerve and would be tricky to remove without causing blindness and other damage. By now, I'm 13. I remember being worried Mom would not be herself after the surgery. I remember asking her if she was going to die. She assured me she was not. The surgery was a success. I remember how meticulous the surgeons said they were. How clean her brain must be. She wasn't blind but lost 50% of her olfactory nerve. She had a "leak" post-surgery of spinal fluid. It would go down her throat and her nose and required further procedures to mend. But she made it. She was strong.

And now, here we are, exactly 20 years later. And suddenly i'm 13 again. Crying into my phone when Doug told me they found another growth on her annual MRI. Sobbing when i called my mom to talk to her myself. She knew something was up. She was unusually nervous for this routine scan this year. I didn't think much of it. It had been 20 years! They were meticulous! They left nothing behind! How could it come back after 20 years?!

So now the hard part. We wait. While i worry about the fact that my mother is 20 years older and not as healthy as she was in her mid-40's and carries hepatitis C (a gift from her first brain surgery when they gave her a "routine" blood transfusion post-procedure), we've also had 20 years of advances in neurosurgery. We wait to find out whether or not she is a candidate for the gamma knife. A non-invasive "radiosurgery"--radiation that focuses directly on the tumor. The tumor can't be too big and they have to be able to clearly see its margins to be able to do it. I worry that her very scarred brain will obscure things like margins. But I pray for this option. I don't know how a person can tolerate three open brain surgeries.

This is when i don't like living as far away as we do. In the three years that we've been in Colorado, my mother has dealt with hip replacements and now this. I was pregnant or newly-delivered with Keegen with her hips and not able to help. I have this fantasy of finishing my parents' basement and moving my family in so i can be there to help. My father bears so much of the emotional burden. He is our mother hen and worries and frets and loses sleep over minor things, let alone big ones. I want to be there to bear some of that burden. Even simply, to cook meals. To keep things clean. To care for her post-surgery. But here i am 1670 miles away with my own life and family and responsibilities and hate that i can't do more.

My mom received this news while visiting family in Salt Lake. She just got there Tuesday. The envelope from Johns Hopkins arrived Friday. My dad read her the results over the phone. She was able to cry with her twin sister. To tell her mother in person. And to receive a blessing from her sister's husband. She told me she's in shock. I think we all are to an extent. After i received the news yesterday afternoon, i walked back into my conference where so much was being said about hope. And while i really struggled to focus on the remainder of that conference, i remember thinking, Oh yeah, HOPE. And optimism. And faith. I can so easily get caught up in fear and anxiety. The memories from the past all came flooding back when the news hit my ear. But I do have faith. It may be the size of a mustard seed, but it's there. While this is still very raw and scary, this CAN be OK. We can get through this again. That is certainly what i'm hoping for as i write this.